This one goes out to all you beauty queens, shower sobbers and small bladdered socialites. An upper unit a block from the UWM Union with a bedroom-to-lavatory ratio that's off the charts. 4 bedrooms and 2.5 baths!

All four bedrooms border on... egregiously spacious so this house deserves a group with great interior design chops. The master bedroom has two massive closets and a private half bath. Apologies in advance for all the deep seated resentment over who gets that room. Might I suggest settling the matter honorably in the ancient Japanese tradition over a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos?

Don't worry, you still have two full bathrooms with cool toilet seats to rest your sore bunzers. Nothing worse than sitting on a warm toilet seat. With a living room on the first floor and bedrooms on the upper floors, the remaining three of you can comfortably plot against your now frenemy residing in the master suite.

Or, take the hateful conversation to the large kitchen that offers generous natural light and counterspace. I always come up with the best revenge plots over a box of Tostinos Pizza Rolls!

Better yet, since this lease starts June 1, you can lounge under summer's warmth on the private second floor deck as your hatred stews.

True spite is all-consuming so we'll take care of lawnmowing and snow removal. Plus, you get in-unit laundry. No more wasting time in some creepy basement doing laundry when you could be sabotaging those who have it better.

And when you've finally conjured the perfect deception, you can hop in your car to get supplies before that little, annoying conscience has a chance to change your mind because we have garage parking!

Did that clinch it? Great! Let's set up a showing and I'll bring my Hungry Hippos board with the defective green hippo that always wins.

Our little secret ;) Read More